How to Support a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder

9 October 2025

Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be both rewarding and incredibly challenging. Their emotions may swing from intense love to overwhelming fear of abandonment, making relationships feel like an emotional rollercoaster. But with patience, understanding, and the right approach, you can offer meaningful support without losing yourself in the process.

If you have a friend, partner, or family member with BPD, you might often feel helpless or unsure of how to respond. Where do you draw the line between support and enabling? How can you help without becoming emotionally drained? Let’s break it down.

Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder

Before you can effectively support someone with BPD, it's crucial to understand the condition itself.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental health disorder that affects how a person thinks and feels about themselves and others. It’s primarily characterized by:

- Intense mood swings
- Fear of abandonment
- Unstable relationships
- Impulsive behaviors
- Self-harm tendencies or suicidal thoughts
- A distorted self-image

People with BPD often struggle with an internal battle they may not fully understand themselves. Their emotions can shift rapidly, and they may react to situations in ways that seem extreme or unpredictable. This isn't because they’re being difficult—it’s because their nervous system processes emotions differently.

How to Support Your Loved One

Now that we have a foundation of understanding, let's talk about what you can do to help.

1. Educate Yourself About BPD

Knowledge is power. The better you understand BPD, the more empathetic and patient you can be. Read books, listen to podcasts, and connect with professionals who specialize in personality disorders. This will help you see things from their perspective rather than taking their actions personally.

2. Stay Calm During Emotional Storms

A person with BPD may lash out, accuse you of abandoning them, or say things they don’t mean in the heat of the moment. This emotional intensity can be overwhelming, but your reaction matters.

Instead of engaging in an argument or responding with frustration, try to remain calm. Think of it like being in a boat during a storm—your grounded response can help keep things from capsizing.

3. Set Healthy Boundaries

Supporting someone with BPD doesn't mean letting them walk all over you. Healthy relationships require boundaries, and it’s okay to set limits on what you’re willing to tolerate.

For example, if your loved one frequently calls or texts at all hours with crises, set a boundary like:

"I care about you deeply, but I can't always be available immediately. If you're feeling overwhelmed, you might consider reaching out to a therapist or crisis hotline."

Remember, boundaries protect both of you. Without them, you risk emotional exhaustion and resentment.

4. Validate Their Feelings Without Fueling the Fire

People with BPD often feel misunderstood and invalidated. A simple "I understand why you feel that way" can go a long way. However, validation doesn’t mean agreeing with destructive behaviors.

For example, if they say, "No one cares about me, I might as well disappear," instead of saying, "That's not true, stop being dramatic," try:

"I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. It must be so painful. I'm here for you."

This acknowledges their emotions without reinforcing negative thought patterns.

5. Encourage Them to Seek Professional Help

While your support is valuable, you’re not a therapist (unless you actually are, but even then, personal relationships are different). Encourage them to seek professional therapy, particularly Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which is one of the most effective treatments for BPD.

It's okay to offer help in finding a therapist, but avoid forcing them into it. Change has to come from within.

6. Don't Take Things Personally

People with BPD sometimes say and do hurtful things, but it’s rarely about you—it’s about their internal struggles. If they lash out, accuse you of hating them, or suddenly push you away, try not to absorb it as a personal attack.

Think of their emotions like a tidal wave. They crash hard, but they eventually recede. If you can stay steady and remind yourself that it’s the disorder speaking, not them, you’ll have a much easier time navigating these moments.

7. Practice Self-Care and Seek Support

You can’t pour from an empty cup. Supporting someone with BPD can be emotionally draining, so it's essential to take care of yourself too.

- Set time aside for yourself, whether it’s a hobby, exercise, or quiet time.
- Seek support from friends, family, or even a therapist.
- Join a support group for loved ones of those with BPD.

You matter just as much as they do. Don’t neglect your own well-being in the process of helping them.

8. Avoid Triggers When Possible

Certain situations or words can trigger intense emotional reactions in someone with BPD. While you can’t (and shouldn’t) walk on eggshells, being aware of their triggers can help avoid unnecessary conflict.

For instance, if abandonment is a major trigger for them, suddenly canceling plans without explanation might set off a spiral of emotions. Instead, give them reassurance and clear communication:

"I know we had plans, but something came up. I want to reschedule because spending time with you is important to me."

9. Encourage Emotional Regulation Strategies

People with BPD often struggle with managing their emotions. Encouraging them to use tools like deep breathing, journaling, mindfulness, or grounding techniques can help them navigate intense emotions more effectively.

If they’re willing, you can even practice some techniques together, like meditation or breathing exercises, to help them feel supported.

10. Be Prepared for Ups and Downs

Progress with BPD is not linear. Some days might feel like breakthroughs, while others feel like setbacks. That’s just the nature of the disorder.

Patience, consistency, and remembering the bigger picture can help you stay committed without getting discouraged when things don’t go as planned.

When Supporting Becomes Enabling

There’s a fine line between support and enabling. Enabling happens when your help allows destructive patterns to continue. For example:

- Constantly rescuing them from every crisis instead of encouraging personal responsibility
- Tolerating emotional or verbal abuse out of fear of upsetting them
- Neglecting your own mental health to prioritize theirs

It’s okay to help, but not at the cost of your own well-being. Healthy support empowers them to grow, rather than keeping them stuck.

Final Thoughts

Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder requires patience, understanding, and strong emotional boundaries. It’s not always easy, but it is possible to maintain a loving and supportive relationship while also taking care of yourself.

By staying informed, setting boundaries, and encouraging professional help, you can be a source of strength for your loved one without losing yourself in the process. And remember—you’re not alone in this. There are resources and support available for both you and your loved one.